And the doctoral school frustration persists. The latest debacle involves my school’s and/or the Federal Government’s ludicrous, bureaucratic stipulation that all grad students must register for FOUR credits or be denied aid, even though one course is THREE credits. They want you to take one other measly credit just to receive funding. Sounds like an easy way to make an additional $600 or whatever dollars per grad student. Obviously most grad students take six or nine credits, but sometimes a grad student like myself may need a break and wish only to take one class before she loses her mind. So, I’m just not attending classes this semester. This could bode badly for me though, as the English Dept prefers students applying for TAships to be registered for classes. Oh, well. I’m standing by my convictions. Entering, brand new students who receive TAships obviously weren’t taking classes while they were first applying (this is my second application; I lost my spot so an entering Master’s student with Sociology background as opposed to Comp background could receive a TAship for sake of diversity), which I mentioned in my letter to the committee who will be reviewing my application. So, I’m taking a risk. In a way it seems petty of me, because I could just sign up for this one credit seminar and be done with it, but my gut is screaming no, fuck the bureaucracy, you shouldn’t even be having to pay for these courses at all. So I’m listening to my gut (which is also slightly gassy now, even though I ate a tasteless, low fat main course. Maybe too much garlic in the homemade oil and vinegar dressing).

After beginning to cry while on the phone with a financial aid advisor, and then calling a friend who has listened to me kevetch endlessly about this subject while full on sobbing, I decided I just needed to have some goddamn faith in myself. Okay, so I don’t earn a Ph.D. Yes, finding full time employment as a writing instructor at the university level will be more difficult. On the other hand, MATC seems like it hires every few years, and they pay fantastically, they have great benefits, there’s a teacher’s union, and they give you raises almost every year--I would be set upon retiring. However, who knows how long it would take me to become hired full time there? It could take such a long time. That’s what scares me. This living paycheck to paycheck bullshit has got to end sooner rather than later. I’m 32 and I want to pay off debt, not accrue more debt or live on student budget if I am not even a student anymore. There’s got to be a way though. Whereas if I earn the Ph.D, I would be assured full time employment in five years due to the reputation of my program, unless, course, the economy is totally fucked.

Sometimes I think I am just codependent on the university. But more often I think that I do want and deserve this stupid Ph.D, and that I could learn a lot more about teaching and rhetoric if I stay in this program. If I don’t get that TAship for the fall, I’m out. I have a professor pulling for me, so that will help greatly. I have a feeling it might work, but…if it doesn’t, I have to prepare myself.

I am in my second week of teaching at one school and my first at another; it is going okay thus far. I feel okay. I don’t lack confidence like I did last year. That course I took and the people I interacted with last semester helped me so much. Another reason I want to stay…the basic writing course is still a challenge, and I realized that I am still piling on too much work. They need so much time to process. I need the readings to be a bit shorter. There is so much to cram in. They do not like having to be there for so many hours in a row, but at least I am high energy, I keep them laughing. Just have to ensure they are also learning from me, well.