That melancholy feeling enveloped me today. I’m unhappy. Most of my close friends are generally unhappy. I really do not know anyone who feels content, especially in regards to their work. I am so intensely unfulfilled, because even though I control my course content and teaching methods to some extent, there are so many outside factors I do not control, and I would not want to control all of them. At one school the curriculum for the developmental writing courses is extremely limited and narrow. Developmental writers are the ones I want to focus on, because they need the most help. But they also need the most time, encouragement, and techniques that work with students of high skill level don’t work with them. I struggle to figure out how to bridge the disconnect. I am angry in every class because I dislike the textbook I must use. The one that is forced upon me. I am forever photocopying supplements that still leave the students confused. They need the most help with grammar and sentence structure and that book is of NO help. But, really, truly, I need to learn how to use technology in my classes. I can take them to this cramped computer lab and demonstrate methods. The amenities are not a plenty at that school. My other problem is that teaching part-time leaves me lacking in support. I want to teach FULL time--I long to connect with other teachers, to problem solve and kevetch with them on a regular basis. Teaching and going home to my tiny apartment and working alone, it’s no good for me. No full time teaching job without a PhD though, at least for quite some time or unless I‘m really lucky. I don’t want to get that Ph.D. I just need to learn more teaching strategies. I don’t need to read more theory. I need the practical help. I don‘t even have a portfolio that documents my teaching successes prepared though, I don‘t use technology enough in the classroom, and I honestly haven‘t spent as much time prepping for a lot of my classes as I might. I always hear my friend‘s voice in my head, reminding me that it takes a few years for people to catch their teaching groove, and I‘ve taught about 3 years now, but the first two I only taught a class a semester as a Master‘s student. I hold myself back indulging in my insecurities. It is hard to focus because my time is split between teaching, what I want to do, and this editing job, what I have to do to “Make Fucking Ends Meet.” None of my friends want college teaching to be their careers. I feel like I am constantly floating without anchor. Life swirls around around me. I am not a part of it. But that’s my melancholy mood talking. I need to find a way to keep a hold of that anchor. I’m so unhappy most of the time. There are good times I have with friends and family. There are times when I socialize and drink and it’s still amusing. But most of the time I feel floating. Becoming more frustrated. But whining isn’t going to change anything.
Now, let me think of my friends. One has a BA and is a talented artist but she faces the quandary of trying to promote her work and make new stuff being fatigued to work a 9-5 job at an unorganized small company. She works really, really hard. But when you are a new artist, you can’t make a living off your art. So her life is split between Making Fucking Ends Meet and trying to manage her time to be productive. She is thinking of going back for a bit more schooling, like a certificate. Like me, she feels like she needs something more. A bit more skills. Like me, she is split.
Yet another friend admitted to me she doesn’t really feel content often, either. She has a child to love, which I’m jealous of sometimes, in a way, even though I can not be a mother. Well, I have no man, so I can’t even make a baby, but a baby most likely is not for me even if I ever do meet a man who I want to see/speak more than a few times a week. But when you have a child you have responsibilities, your time is filled, you can become so elated just hearing them talk, watching them play. She has a Master’s. Her work, which is unrelated to her degree, gives her time off, but she needs a bit more action, it seems. She doesn’t have to work a full 40 hour work week, which helps alleviate stress, but she‘s smart and creative and maybe she just doesn‘t get to apply those skills with as much vigor as she would like. Maybe. She‘s not sure what it is, me either.
I have another friend who is constantly bogged down with her activist job and a million varying commitments. I don’t know how she just doesn’t fall down from exhaustion sometimes. She is so there for her friends. I can not do all what she does. Not many can, but I don’t think she should push it so much.
There are other people I am acquainted with. People who work 9-5 jobs and proceed to drink and smoke weed every (other) night. Who are single. Two of them lament where they are at. Dislike their jobs, live with roommates or in a small apartment. But they don’t know what they want, what will make them happy. You go to the bar after work and there’s so many people drinking away their dissatisfaction. Some people aren’t there every night, but may of them are. We are so bored in Milwaukee. We need that buzz to move us along, to get us to interact with one another.
I keep thinking there are people in Milwaukee who do more than this but I haven’t found many. I will keep trying though. I don’t want this life, all the uncertainty and tension from day to day. I trained to start volunteering at this place the other day, and even doing that bit of training made me feel better. Like I’m contributing. I’ll be able to contribute there because it’s welcomed. It won’t be like at the schools where I teach where I feel inferior to the full time staff, at one school, or where I don’t have any support, the other school. I can come up with ideas and maybe implement one or two of them. I would love to be able to run some type of literacy program where people can just drop in. But where would the funding come from? How would I live on such a salary? It just seems that for so many people I know what would make them happy doesn’t pay much at all.
But I know some people who seem to be doing what they want. The married couple in Georgia--freelance editrix who actually makes a living from it and her husband who writes/markets/designs/does web stuff/don’t even know what success he’s completed now, Harvard degree, etc. A guy I know published his own book without even taking a loan. He promotes himself very well. I have another friend who is kicking ass doing research for his psychology degree and is being recognized by governmental bodies. He acts like it’s no big thang, though.
The people that I know who are doing what they want have worked harder at than me. I know this. I’m not inferring that they are always happy. But I hope that they feel a sense of accomplishment. I know for me, I need to build up more perseverance and patience. I am horrible at taking initiative. I don’t know what I think will happen to me if I “put it out there” more fully. It’s my insecurities. I am battling the bitches, but it’s hard. It’s hard for everyone who has them, and everyone does, in one aspect of his or life…I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, but that’s a different topic for a different blog. That whole American dream myth shit is bullshit, I know, but I also know I need to get more focused and work harder, and maybe some of the people I know do too if they really want to be happier. A lot of us are lacking relationships also, which can greatly contribute to a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction, but that’s only a third of the equation. Significant other, friends, career…People need each other to get past these roadblocks though, and if few people around you are motivated in the way you need to be, it can also be hard. Bootstraps equals bullshit. It’s much easier to get ahead by not working towards your goals alone.
Now, let me think of my friends. One has a BA and is a talented artist but she faces the quandary of trying to promote her work and make new stuff being fatigued to work a 9-5 job at an unorganized small company. She works really, really hard. But when you are a new artist, you can’t make a living off your art. So her life is split between Making Fucking Ends Meet and trying to manage her time to be productive. She is thinking of going back for a bit more schooling, like a certificate. Like me, she feels like she needs something more. A bit more skills. Like me, she is split.
Yet another friend admitted to me she doesn’t really feel content often, either. She has a child to love, which I’m jealous of sometimes, in a way, even though I can not be a mother. Well, I have no man, so I can’t even make a baby, but a baby most likely is not for me even if I ever do meet a man who I want to see/speak more than a few times a week. But when you have a child you have responsibilities, your time is filled, you can become so elated just hearing them talk, watching them play. She has a Master’s. Her work, which is unrelated to her degree, gives her time off, but she needs a bit more action, it seems. She doesn’t have to work a full 40 hour work week, which helps alleviate stress, but she‘s smart and creative and maybe she just doesn‘t get to apply those skills with as much vigor as she would like. Maybe. She‘s not sure what it is, me either.
I have another friend who is constantly bogged down with her activist job and a million varying commitments. I don’t know how she just doesn’t fall down from exhaustion sometimes. She is so there for her friends. I can not do all what she does. Not many can, but I don’t think she should push it so much.
There are other people I am acquainted with. People who work 9-5 jobs and proceed to drink and smoke weed every (other) night. Who are single. Two of them lament where they are at. Dislike their jobs, live with roommates or in a small apartment. But they don’t know what they want, what will make them happy. You go to the bar after work and there’s so many people drinking away their dissatisfaction. Some people aren’t there every night, but may of them are. We are so bored in Milwaukee. We need that buzz to move us along, to get us to interact with one another.
I keep thinking there are people in Milwaukee who do more than this but I haven’t found many. I will keep trying though. I don’t want this life, all the uncertainty and tension from day to day. I trained to start volunteering at this place the other day, and even doing that bit of training made me feel better. Like I’m contributing. I’ll be able to contribute there because it’s welcomed. It won’t be like at the schools where I teach where I feel inferior to the full time staff, at one school, or where I don’t have any support, the other school. I can come up with ideas and maybe implement one or two of them. I would love to be able to run some type of literacy program where people can just drop in. But where would the funding come from? How would I live on such a salary? It just seems that for so many people I know what would make them happy doesn’t pay much at all.
But I know some people who seem to be doing what they want. The married couple in Georgia--freelance editrix who actually makes a living from it and her husband who writes/markets/designs/does web stuff/don’t even know what success he’s completed now, Harvard degree, etc. A guy I know published his own book without even taking a loan. He promotes himself very well. I have another friend who is kicking ass doing research for his psychology degree and is being recognized by governmental bodies. He acts like it’s no big thang, though.
The people that I know who are doing what they want have worked harder at than me. I know this. I’m not inferring that they are always happy. But I hope that they feel a sense of accomplishment. I know for me, I need to build up more perseverance and patience. I am horrible at taking initiative. I don’t know what I think will happen to me if I “put it out there” more fully. It’s my insecurities. I am battling the bitches, but it’s hard. It’s hard for everyone who has them, and everyone does, in one aspect of his or life…I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately, but that’s a different topic for a different blog. That whole American dream myth shit is bullshit, I know, but I also know I need to get more focused and work harder, and maybe some of the people I know do too if they really want to be happier. A lot of us are lacking relationships also, which can greatly contribute to a feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction, but that’s only a third of the equation. Significant other, friends, career…People need each other to get past these roadblocks though, and if few people around you are motivated in the way you need to be, it can also be hard. Bootstraps equals bullshit. It’s much easier to get ahead by not working towards your goals alone.
posted by Jen Threat at
8:35 PM
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