I have learned a few things during the past two months. The first is to take ownership of my feelings. The second is to not go without any action for so long because the pickins are slim because it makes it harder for me to get back in the game. Last summer I was extremely unhappy with the pickins. There were four contestants and one random make out. None of the five were suitable for dating. One was too insecure and did that whole “ilikeyoualotandthatfreaksmeoutsoimgonnaturnitonyouandmakeyoufeellikeshitbecauseim
Scared.” I’d had enough of that and it made me bitter towards him, unable to be pleasant and give it another shot. One was a friend who will always be that. Until he’s 35, at least. The third one was cute but his conversation irritated me. I didn’t really give him a chance though. Part of me thinks I should have slept with him for fun, though. He was cute. But I think I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone. That is the thing, though--sometimes I could maybe do something without reporting it to the whole fucking world. The fourth guy was a fucking alcoholic retard who kissed weird, and the fifth guy was too elusive afterwards and he’s the only one I wanted anything physical with. During that summer I refused to try and sleep with anyone I didn’t think would last. I don’t think I can afford to behave like that anymore. I mean I’m not gonna get with just anyone, but just because my friends might not approve or because he might not be someone I want to date or parade around doesn’t mean I should rule him out. I’m not talking sluttiness here either. Just not going so damn long and feeling so out of sorts the next time I finally get a bit naked with someone. I get too into my head and make too big deal out of shit. I don’t know if this makes sense, and that irritates me, but I’m hungover and slightly delirious and that’s what the edit function’s for.
To continue…I keep talking about this because it’s so on my mind but it’s also so hard to avoid/control… I definitely need to drink much less when I am socializing with men I’d maybe like to molest. As anyone knows, it makes it much harder to put the brakes on when you should. The part of my brain that wants my mouth to open and say “no, we shouldn’t do this right now, we’re not comfortable enough with each other yet and trying for a friendship’s more important” just gets squashed by the starved part of my brain/body that is reacting to someone who I really like as a person kissing my neck! But I kneeewwww somewhere deeeeep down we weren‘t ready for that and I am sure I sent a few mixed signals at the bar, even though I really had no intention of trying to actually get busy this guy. So that friendship or whatever it was is fucked now. I think. Not all my fault of course, but still, I KNNNNEEEWWWW. I know when things are a bad idea usually but I want the attention/affection even fleetingly and I’m always so convince it’s going to be fleeting so I don’t think as much as I should before I act.
Owning my feelings. Okay, the guy I’m talking about above knew I had a little crush on him. So that’s cool. I had let him know and I knew he was unsure so I tried not to pressure him. The other guy….old friend. Saw a completely different side of him. I was very confused. I did wait to act, had to process. Weeks went by. Wanted to see if I felt the same the next time I saw him. Even tried to hang out one on one not at the bar so I could tell him what I felt, that that girl was a fool. Well he came over, he smelled good, and I could have tackled him right there in my courtyard. I so rarely feel attracted to anyone that when I do I just become overwhelmed! But there’s gotta be a way for me to calm that shit. Am I hoping for the impossible here? How does anyone manage that? So I think I just go with those feelings and try to get some action before the attraction dies and I am bored and lonely again. But I really wanted to talk to this guy before any make out occurred. I had it all planned and then the alcohol again. I’m not sure when I really could’ve fit in what I had to say seeing how that day went. I wasn’t processing because I really just did want the make out, to see how it felt with him. And now it’s been a month and I don’t know if I will see him or hear from him again for a very long time. I just wanted to tell him I appreciated his attentiveness and intuitiveness. I had so much to say, but suddenly I can hardly remember. Because from what I’ve gleaned, telling him would overwhelm him and push him further from me, and I want my friend. But again that’s not all my fault; he did not resist me or seem uncomfortable with me all over him at all and he has had some difficulties lately but he still has access to a phone.
It’s the ones I pick, too. I have some leftover issues from not getting with who I wanted to when I wanted when I was younger. I’m hoping some of that psychological stuff has been purged a bit now. It doesn’t feel like it but I can work harder on this.
I need to map out how I’m going to recognize my feelings and deal with them more productively. One way to make it easier is to spend quality time with people outside of the bar. It’s hard to do that in Milwaukee, even with my friends. But effort can be made. Maybe if I feel myself sort of crushing on someone, I should first write about it, process it a few days. Then confess. The times I have confessed earlier on it’s been a bit better. Holding back and then acting crazy or getting too emotional does not work, believe me. Well I am curious if anyone has thoughts on this. Just take a lesson from me if you’ve never hooked up with someone you’ve known forever, avoid doing it without talking first. Really. I never thought it could turn out so strange and sad.
Scared.” I’d had enough of that and it made me bitter towards him, unable to be pleasant and give it another shot. One was a friend who will always be that. Until he’s 35, at least. The third one was cute but his conversation irritated me. I didn’t really give him a chance though. Part of me thinks I should have slept with him for fun, though. He was cute. But I think I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone. That is the thing, though--sometimes I could maybe do something without reporting it to the whole fucking world. The fourth guy was a fucking alcoholic retard who kissed weird, and the fifth guy was too elusive afterwards and he’s the only one I wanted anything physical with. During that summer I refused to try and sleep with anyone I didn’t think would last. I don’t think I can afford to behave like that anymore. I mean I’m not gonna get with just anyone, but just because my friends might not approve or because he might not be someone I want to date or parade around doesn’t mean I should rule him out. I’m not talking sluttiness here either. Just not going so damn long and feeling so out of sorts the next time I finally get a bit naked with someone. I get too into my head and make too big deal out of shit. I don’t know if this makes sense, and that irritates me, but I’m hungover and slightly delirious and that’s what the edit function’s for.
To continue…I keep talking about this because it’s so on my mind but it’s also so hard to avoid/control… I definitely need to drink much less when I am socializing with men I’d maybe like to molest. As anyone knows, it makes it much harder to put the brakes on when you should. The part of my brain that wants my mouth to open and say “no, we shouldn’t do this right now, we’re not comfortable enough with each other yet and trying for a friendship’s more important” just gets squashed by the starved part of my brain/body that is reacting to someone who I really like as a person kissing my neck! But I kneeewwww somewhere deeeeep down we weren‘t ready for that and I am sure I sent a few mixed signals at the bar, even though I really had no intention of trying to actually get busy this guy. So that friendship or whatever it was is fucked now. I think. Not all my fault of course, but still, I KNNNNEEEWWWW. I know when things are a bad idea usually but I want the attention/affection even fleetingly and I’m always so convince it’s going to be fleeting so I don’t think as much as I should before I act.
Owning my feelings. Okay, the guy I’m talking about above knew I had a little crush on him. So that’s cool. I had let him know and I knew he was unsure so I tried not to pressure him. The other guy….old friend. Saw a completely different side of him. I was very confused. I did wait to act, had to process. Weeks went by. Wanted to see if I felt the same the next time I saw him. Even tried to hang out one on one not at the bar so I could tell him what I felt, that that girl was a fool. Well he came over, he smelled good, and I could have tackled him right there in my courtyard. I so rarely feel attracted to anyone that when I do I just become overwhelmed! But there’s gotta be a way for me to calm that shit. Am I hoping for the impossible here? How does anyone manage that? So I think I just go with those feelings and try to get some action before the attraction dies and I am bored and lonely again. But I really wanted to talk to this guy before any make out occurred. I had it all planned and then the alcohol again. I’m not sure when I really could’ve fit in what I had to say seeing how that day went. I wasn’t processing because I really just did want the make out, to see how it felt with him. And now it’s been a month and I don’t know if I will see him or hear from him again for a very long time. I just wanted to tell him I appreciated his attentiveness and intuitiveness. I had so much to say, but suddenly I can hardly remember. Because from what I’ve gleaned, telling him would overwhelm him and push him further from me, and I want my friend. But again that’s not all my fault; he did not resist me or seem uncomfortable with me all over him at all and he has had some difficulties lately but he still has access to a phone.
It’s the ones I pick, too. I have some leftover issues from not getting with who I wanted to when I wanted when I was younger. I’m hoping some of that psychological stuff has been purged a bit now. It doesn’t feel like it but I can work harder on this.
I need to map out how I’m going to recognize my feelings and deal with them more productively. One way to make it easier is to spend quality time with people outside of the bar. It’s hard to do that in Milwaukee, even with my friends. But effort can be made. Maybe if I feel myself sort of crushing on someone, I should first write about it, process it a few days. Then confess. The times I have confessed earlier on it’s been a bit better. Holding back and then acting crazy or getting too emotional does not work, believe me. Well I am curious if anyone has thoughts on this. Just take a lesson from me if you’ve never hooked up with someone you’ve known forever, avoid doing it without talking first. Really. I never thought it could turn out so strange and sad.
posted by Jen Threat at
9:35 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home