My friend and I were driving east on North. We were going to do that American thing where you sit your ass on a stool and drink beverages that make you feel sleepy and also make you pudgy. Pudgy Americans, no less. I ordered a fucking Miller product unknowingly and enjoyed it, even (chocolate lager, yum yum).
For dinner I scarfed down a plate full of carbs. Seriously. I had a "jerk" chicken SALAD sandwich. There was about 2 tablespoons of chicken salad on obscenely thick bread. Carbs! For sides, we got friend plantains and fried sweet potato chips. Um, really? Does anyone need TWO friends salty chip sides? Ever hear of a salad, people? I guess they thought the little watermelon wedges offset all of the carbs and salt. SO AMERICAN.
Ahem. Yes. So. Two weekends ago I was really fucked up depressed. Anxious. Couldn't focus. Driving in fucking blizzard conditions on the goddamn highway headed east. One lane. Cars that had hit each other off to each side. Squeezing in close to the car beside me so the fire truck could get through. Just way too surreal. I decided I must exit on Highway 100, which is also conveniently the exit for bullshit Mayfair. I go and I spend somefuckingsixtyfuckingdollars on make-up and body lotion and gel at Sephora. If I spend $36 more I will get a FREE GIFT! Then I went into Boston Store. And I tried on probably 15 items of clothing, possibly twenty. I was having a slight panic attack. My phone rang and that only exacerbated it, due to the name on the caller ID. All of these clothes were so cheap, half off, $7, whatever. I bought three things I think. Then I went home. Then the next day I spend another fifty dollars or so at the other mall on the south side. I went with my mom. Then I went to the big department stores in Oak Creek and spent more money. Yep stayed in one store trying things on for over an hour. Fifty or forty here, seventy there, but the seventy was on stuff I needed, like products and shit. Then I spent $7 on a chicken goat cheese apple walnut salad from Panera. Yeah, healthy, lookit that dressing. Goddamn, the bagel is NEVER going to rescind!
And the day after that I spent $70 on the I-Trip. Fuck!
At dinner, my friend told me how last week he'd gone out to dinner then to a strip club, and his friend convinced the strippers to come back to his house. Then they all did coke together, dude. Partied it up! But it didn't get any sleazier. No strippers stripping in the house. A lot of money spent.
So in the car on North Avenue I started laughing, talking about my shopping. "I get depressed and I shop!" I exclaimed. "I get depressed and do coke with strippers!" he chimed in. "We're such Americans. We're such pussies!" I laughed. He laughed too, and then we said should try to meet up once a week and do something not in the bar.
Oh, the high hopes of Americans!
For dinner I scarfed down a plate full of carbs. Seriously. I had a "jerk" chicken SALAD sandwich. There was about 2 tablespoons of chicken salad on obscenely thick bread. Carbs! For sides, we got friend plantains and fried sweet potato chips. Um, really? Does anyone need TWO friends salty chip sides? Ever hear of a salad, people? I guess they thought the little watermelon wedges offset all of the carbs and salt. SO AMERICAN.
Ahem. Yes. So. Two weekends ago I was really fucked up depressed. Anxious. Couldn't focus. Driving in fucking blizzard conditions on the goddamn highway headed east. One lane. Cars that had hit each other off to each side. Squeezing in close to the car beside me so the fire truck could get through. Just way too surreal. I decided I must exit on Highway 100, which is also conveniently the exit for bullshit Mayfair. I go and I spend somefuckingsixtyfuckingdollars on make-up and body lotion and gel at Sephora. If I spend $36 more I will get a FREE GIFT! Then I went into Boston Store. And I tried on probably 15 items of clothing, possibly twenty. I was having a slight panic attack. My phone rang and that only exacerbated it, due to the name on the caller ID. All of these clothes were so cheap, half off, $7, whatever. I bought three things I think. Then I went home. Then the next day I spend another fifty dollars or so at the other mall on the south side. I went with my mom. Then I went to the big department stores in Oak Creek and spent more money. Yep stayed in one store trying things on for over an hour. Fifty or forty here, seventy there, but the seventy was on stuff I needed, like products and shit. Then I spent $7 on a chicken goat cheese apple walnut salad from Panera. Yeah, healthy, lookit that dressing. Goddamn, the bagel is NEVER going to rescind!
And the day after that I spent $70 on the I-Trip. Fuck!
At dinner, my friend told me how last week he'd gone out to dinner then to a strip club, and his friend convinced the strippers to come back to his house. Then they all did coke together, dude. Partied it up! But it didn't get any sleazier. No strippers stripping in the house. A lot of money spent.
So in the car on North Avenue I started laughing, talking about my shopping. "I get depressed and I shop!" I exclaimed. "I get depressed and do coke with strippers!" he chimed in. "We're such Americans. We're such pussies!" I laughed. He laughed too, and then we said should try to meet up once a week and do something not in the bar.
Oh, the high hopes of Americans!
posted by Jen Threat at
7:03 PM
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