feeling upbeat...feels strange
I feel optimism, slightly, the little bit I can allow to creep in, and trepidation as well. I have responsibilities, starting tomorrow when I assist in orientating four groups of twenty-five students to the AIP. I will be seen as a professional, someone with a title, someone who knows shit. Who will be expected to know shit. Eyes will be upon me, my own the most scrutinizing of course. A slight thrill came over me while I was perusing the Writing Lab Newsletter archives. Researching and reading will now be part of my job duties, not just something I have to cram in after running around adjuncting then working at home, my eyes drying and straining, looking at the computer. There will be people situated all around me that I can go to, in person, with questions, exclamations, proclamations, discoveries. They, in turn, can come to me. I wont have to rely on emailing people who are too busy or just do not wish to be bothered. Adjuncting sucked. So many must still do so. I am so fucking lucky to have escaped. I have to work my ass off though, as I dont want to lose this position. I have to build up that inner confidence, allow my energy to propel me instead of stifling it. I have to take initiative. Thats the key word here, initiative. I have to trust myself that I do know shit, and that I am creative. I have to let go of relying on advice from published writing theorists and LIU professors--its time to take charge in my own way. But I can rely on those in my department sometimes, too. I cant forget that. But I cant be meek. I cant be trite. I cant wait for others to approve. I need to stop looking back into my past and look into my future. Damn, this is the cheesiest, most blog-like blog Ive ever posted, I think. I hope I can build this momentum. In the meantime, Im way too elated to sit down and read articles entitled Promotional ideas for writing centers and Great and Not-So-Great Expectations: Training Faculty and Student Tutors.