Corn Mo opened, much to my delight. He's so funny, snarky, yet humble, and I've never heard him be so chatty before either! He played a second set later on too, complete with a karaoke presentation of some crazy Jewish song he performed with his rock band at some bar mitzvah. His voice really can match any of the rock-opera sounding people like Freddie Mercury (he covered We Are the Champions) or Meatloaf. He talked about how the first time he came he was running to the bus. Poor young boys and their uncontrollable wood. He talked a lot about penises actually, and made fun of some old ladies. I always enjoy him. I wish I wasn't so tired otherwise I would've waited around after the show to see if he wanted to visit some MKE bars. Maybe someone else did though. The crowd liked him. The whole show was pretty good, except that there was a really long half hour gap between Corn Mo's 'warm up the crowd' set and the beginning of the actual show, which was similar to some of the events I'd seen in NYC at the Parkside Lounge (think that's the name). Pontani Sisters didn't impress me that much becuase they just danced, no acrobatics, although Shank's Stage isn't really large enough for al ot of that. They looked good though; the one girl had tattoos in odd places which I enjoyed viewing.

My favorite performer was Miss Trixie and her Monkey ...forgive me if the names aren't exactly right this morning. She and the moneky guy did some acrobatics and during the first act she had these feathers, and busted out in little pasties covering her boobies. Monkey was fucking hilarious. He sang this song, a play on some popular song (sorry, tired) and he even stripped down into this funny monkey costume that revealed his buttocks; nice to see a guy get involved in the nudity once in awhile. He totally got up and sang to one of the gay boys who loves Cheezit and put his booty in his face. Tyler Fyre did his sword swallowing routine and pulled my acquaintance Crack on the stage with him. I wish he didn't have so much clothes on. I remember him being tatted and looking good with less on. The Kitten Deville woman did more of an old school routine, I think, although I really dont know what I'm talking about. It dragged on a bit too long but was very amusing. Oh and the band used to play at Otto's Shrunken Head when I lived there. Made me miss Brooklyn for sure. It was nice to see an actual event though. Here's some pics--they're fucked up and blurry because no flash was allowed, but I like them anyway.

I have learned a few things during the past two months. The first is to take ownership of my feelings. The second is to not go without any action for so long because the pickins are slim because it makes it harder for me to get back in the game. Last summer I was extremely unhappy with the pickins. There were four contestants and one random make out. None of the five were suitable for dating. One was too insecure and did that whole “ilikeyoualotandthatfreaksmeoutsoimgonnaturnitonyouandmakeyoufeellikeshitbecauseim
Scared.” I’d had enough of that and it made me bitter towards him, unable to be pleasant and give it another shot. One was a friend who will always be that. Until he’s 35, at least. The third one was cute but his conversation irritated me. I didn’t really give him a chance though. Part of me thinks I should have slept with him for fun, though. He was cute. But I think I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone. That is the thing, though--sometimes I could maybe do something without reporting it to the whole fucking world. The fourth guy was a fucking alcoholic retard who kissed weird, and the fifth guy was too elusive afterwards and he’s the only one I wanted anything physical with. During that summer I refused to try and sleep with anyone I didn’t think would last. I don’t think I can afford to behave like that anymore. I mean I’m not gonna get with just anyone, but just because my friends might not approve or because he might not be someone I want to date or parade around doesn’t mean I should rule him out. I’m not talking sluttiness here either. Just not going so damn long and feeling so out of sorts the next time I finally get a bit naked with someone. I get too into my head and make too big deal out of shit. I don’t know if this makes sense, and that irritates me, but I’m hungover and slightly delirious and that’s what the edit function’s for.

To continue…I keep talking about this because it’s so on my mind but it’s also so hard to avoid/control… I definitely need to drink much less when I am socializing with men I’d maybe like to molest. As anyone knows, it makes it much harder to put the brakes on when you should. The part of my brain that wants my mouth to open and say “no, we shouldn’t do this right now, we’re not comfortable enough with each other yet and trying for a friendship’s more important” just gets squashed by the starved part of my brain/body that is reacting to someone who I really like as a person kissing my neck! But I kneeewwww somewhere deeeeep down we weren‘t ready for that and I am sure I sent a few mixed signals at the bar, even though I really had no intention of trying to actually get busy this guy. So that friendship or whatever it was is fucked now. I think. Not all my fault of course, but still, I KNNNNEEEWWWW. I know when things are a bad idea usually but I want the attention/affection even fleetingly and I’m always so convince it’s going to be fleeting so I don’t think as much as I should before I act.

Owning my feelings. Okay, the guy I’m talking about above knew I had a little crush on him. So that’s cool. I had let him know and I knew he was unsure so I tried not to pressure him. The other guy….old friend. Saw a completely different side of him. I was very confused. I did wait to act, had to process. Weeks went by. Wanted to see if I felt the same the next time I saw him. Even tried to hang out one on one not at the bar so I could tell him what I felt, that that girl was a fool. Well he came over, he smelled good, and I could have tackled him right there in my courtyard. I so rarely feel attracted to anyone that when I do I just become overwhelmed! But there’s gotta be a way for me to calm that shit. Am I hoping for the impossible here? How does anyone manage that? So I think I just go with those feelings and try to get some action before the attraction dies and I am bored and lonely again. But I really wanted to talk to this guy before any make out occurred. I had it all planned and then the alcohol again. I’m not sure when I really could’ve fit in what I had to say seeing how that day went. I wasn’t processing because I really just did want the make out, to see how it felt with him. And now it’s been a month and I don’t know if I will see him or hear from him again for a very long time. I just wanted to tell him I appreciated his attentiveness and intuitiveness. I had so much to say, but suddenly I can hardly remember. Because from what I’ve gleaned, telling him would overwhelm him and push him further from me, and I want my friend. But again that’s not all my fault; he did not resist me or seem uncomfortable with me all over him at all and he has had some difficulties lately but he still has access to a phone.

It’s the ones I pick, too. I have some leftover issues from not getting with who I wanted to when I wanted when I was younger. I’m hoping some of that psychological stuff has been purged a bit now. It doesn’t feel like it but I can work harder on this.
I need to map out how I’m going to recognize my feelings and deal with them more productively. One way to make it easier is to spend quality time with people outside of the bar. It’s hard to do that in Milwaukee, even with my friends. But effort can be made. Maybe if I feel myself sort of crushing on someone, I should first write about it, process it a few days. Then confess. The times I have confessed earlier on it’s been a bit better. Holding back and then acting crazy or getting too emotional does not work, believe me. Well I am curious if anyone has thoughts on this. Just take a lesson from me if you’ve never hooked up with someone you’ve known forever, avoid doing it without talking first. Really. I never thought it could turn out so strange and sad.

What’s up, Milwaukee?

First, if you ever had any desire to become a welder, machinist, or tool and die worker, now’s the time. There’s about 1500 jobs in those fields available throughout southeastern Wisconsin, but since there’s very few workers skilled in those trades, the jobs are there for the taking. An article in JSOnline.com today reported a UWM study that found the city’s job training programs lacking in effectiveness. Huh, go figure. I mean, if people aren’t into those types of jobs, they shouldn’t be forced to go to school for them, but really, there are probably tons of people who would be interested if they had access to meaningful, instructive, hands on training. One local business trashed MATC’s welding program. I don’t know if it sucks or not, but MATC did respond to the criticism and seem interested in improving their program as quickly as possible. The article stated that there’s a successful job training program in Pittsburgh that “customizes its entire curriculum around local employer needs [something Milwaukee’s failed to do] and lures trainees from the inner city by conducting classes in a funky arts-and-music facility.” This program sounds cool in a way, and clearly inner city folks need more job training options, but it’s not good to try and track mostly one group of people into a certain type of job. I just think of all the working class kids in the 1950s being sent to shop and being confined there. And how do the folks learn all the skills they need to do shit like weld in a “funky arts-and-music facility?” I’m not quite clear, but I might research on this place a bit. Milwaukee needs to get people more invested in their futures. It’s too busy trying to become mini-Chicago, though. I’m glad Governor Doyle asked for this study, now we’ll have to see if anything actually happens.

Next, I read a pretty long piece about the goings on in MPS “big high schools.” It lacked substance, in my opinion. It described a lot about what the author observed in various schools, and he included a few teen voices, and a few teachers’ voices, but it mostly just seemed to blame either the students or the teachers for lacking initiative/effectiveness, even while praising some students and teachers. Nothing was mentioned regarding the red tape that ties teachers’ hands and covers their mouths. Certainly there are tons of ineffectual teachers, but that the article didn’t even mention the lack of resources (well, besides the dwindling arts programs) made it seem a bit unbalanced. Few suggestions for improvement were made, also. It just left me wondering what the point of it was. Everyone knows most public schools are pretty messed up--so what to do??

Finally, my friend sent me an uplifting blurb about Milwaukee and crime. Check it:
“Violent crime incidents reported to police rose by 32% in Milwaukee last year, according to numbers released by the FBI this morning. Reported violent crime in the city was up in all categories, except rape. Homicide was up by 40% and aggravated assault jumped by 57%, the FBI reported.” I’m glad rapes are down, but I’m not looking forward to spending another summer paranoid even while biking along the lake when it’s super shiny sunny, as robberies happen every damn where, mostly after dark, but not always. Supposedly the Mayor and His People and that Touchy Feely Police Bitch are working on shit, but I’ll hand over praise when I see results. It’s pretty obnoxious, though, that “Milwaukee police purchased a $7 million computer system but encountered numerous problems with it last year. Officials have said those problems are being worked out.” Yeah, so I guess that’s why nothing’s being done. They’re all sitting around trying to reconfigure their computers. “Yo, Stan, we gotta go check on a shooting.” “Yeah, in a minute, I gotta reboot and get those last twelve shootings entered first.” Nice. Violent crime is up all around the country, and a Boston criminal justice professor says it’s probably due to the “renewed strength” of the NRA (yeah, those waiting periods are such an infringement on the right to bear arms) and on lowered policing budgets (what the fuck is up with that?).

Bullshit internet legislation

The house voted something like 300 to 100 to allow phone and cable companies to both refuse service to web sites whose content they disagree with and to allow sites that can afford to pay higher fees privileges in terms of quicker access to their customers, etc (meaning that a small non profit might have to "wait" to reach their internet friends because someone like Disney could pay way more.) A guy interviewed on Democracy Now said it's pretty much like allowing certain people to pass through a toll booth before others. It's total bullshit. The senate will be voting soon. Go back to http://www.savetheinternet.com and get involved! Amy Goodman also asked the guy (from alliance for community media, I think) if she thought this move was payback to the companies for allowing the illegal NSA wiretapping. He said yeah. I don't know about all that, I just know this is another suck.

Penises, etc

This weekend was busy for my brain. The first thing I want to talk about is penises.
I have encountered three in the past month. They shall be referred to hereafter as Penis A, Penis B, and Penis C.

Penis A belongs to someone who probably wouldnt be too comfortable with me writing about him here so I wont say much. That experience was basically just a drunken, exhausted, hours of foreplay quick fuck that I basically am forgetting about for sake of preserving whatever friendship I have with the owner of this penis. It had been a really long time since Id played with a penis before this night, my choice, though, so it was awkward for me. Awkward and alcohol induced. I get really passive when I am tired and drunk and really dont give a shit about whatever penis Im encountering. Ill lay there and let the guy feel me up forever and thats it. I dont like that I get like that, but fuck its 6am and Im drunk. Fuck! If you get me while Im a certain level of buzzed and not as tired, thats another story. But this penis interaction was so blurry. I was like, is this thing completely hard? Itd just been so long. Thered been some make-outs but no penis exposure, forever. Awkward! At least it got me back in the groovea bit. And of course its nice to be fondled for a long time.


Penis B belongs to someone I care about a lot, someone who really gets me, someone I didnt allow myself to be attracted to until very recently. He surprised me awhile back with his intuitiveness. He can sense how I feel sometimes, apparently, and he actually cares, and asks me whats up, and presses me if I give the stock reply: Nothing. Most guys dont do that with me because they want to hear me talk for as short of period of time as possible. He understands that I care about him too, hell tell me things he wont tell everyone, I think. His arm around me feels so amazingly good. I was confused about how I feel and now Im not, but I cant reach him, and its very very frustrating. I met his penis after a long afternoon/evening of drinking. I did not want to drink all day with him. I wanted to be chill and talk to him about how I felt. There was so space for such a talk. We were with his buddies, drinking German beer, then that 180 proof shot. I was all over him and after he drove his friend to St Francis and all the way back to my place on the Northside, it was on, briefly, and I was a lot less inhibited. But I had my period. So it didnt happen. Im glad, because I dont want just to get drunk and fuck this guy. I didnt want to just get drunk and fuck the previous one, either. FUCK YOU ALCOHOL. But I cant get a hold of him and my head hurts, and its not personal, but it sucks. We are both affection starved, maybe on different levels and definitely for different reasons, but I think it could be good, even just for a little while.

Penis C. Oh christ. I could write a whole essay/story/rant about this guyThe third makeout drunk in a fucking alley on Friday. Dumb, dumb dumb. We both know by now that we just arentwe just arent supposed to fool around. I think we just irritate each other. The first time I instigated it not really thinking about it, buzzed out on vodka, and it was very exciting for me, good getting jacked up against the side of a house, drunken frisky makeout (apparently I was very bitey that night, he just informed Friday, a year after the first makeout occurred---the owner of Penis B does not like biting but I might just have to bite him again, if I can, so he can pull me hair some more). The second time was like six or seven months later, just for his convenience, just to kill some time before his job. That pissed me off. I dont like lacking control. I let him feel me up and kissed him a little but I didnt want anything else. Also I just wasnt feeling hot. I didnt think wed ever grope each other again and was ok with that, because we had dinner a month or two later and things finally felt more normal between us, our interactions felt more friend-like, which I wanted.

But then, Friday. MORE ALCOHOL! Whiskey with seltzer and lime. Fucking good shit! After the Eagles of Death Metal showlocal bar, met some new women who were cool and put up with my shrieks for a few hours. Penis C was there and we engaged in some verbal sparring. We have such a contentious relationship. A bit more than acquaintances, not quite friends, really, justodd. I could feel that he might pull one of his moves on me again, and I needed the distraction and I guess with him Im just so curious. Like are we gonna get it on or what? Like, properly--and properly for me means fucking somewhere with walls--not in a yard or alley, especially not an alley (ok maybe a secluded, safe yard would work if it was really in the heat of the moment but this was not, this was a distraction for both of us). Im not starring in some late night USA up all night movie. I dont think Im prudish, either. Maybe he thought I wanted to stay the night, or have him stay the night when I said you need to take me upstairs or come over? I didnt specify that I didnt care about that. But whys all that gotta be on me? Im so sick of having to be responsible for everything when I talk to a guy. Anyway, he wavered between thats too predictable and I have a wedding in the morning. He feels good and all, and his penis, when I finally allowed him to whip it out, was nice and soft, but he is just one of those guys who wants things the way he wants it, when he wants it, and that just pisses me off. Being bent over the hood of my car is slightly hot, but also uncomfortable and really Im just gonna be inhibited in an alley with detector lights shining in my eyes! I should have just gone home. I am a little mad that we couldnt really get crazy in a way where Id be comfortable. But just a little, I dont really care anymore. About his penisthis was just another alcohol fueled experience. I just need to feel a bit more special, I think, even if its just for one night, three hours, six hours, whatever.

So. Clearly, I am tired of only making out/fondling penises/being fondled when Im drunk. God its got to get better than this. Speaking of sex though, Eagles of Death Metal are good rock--and the singer is sexy. The bassist (I thinkBrian?) came to Foundation and was there when me and Penis C were in the bar. Brian signed a girls ass. I said hi. He was very cordial and even introduced himself to me.

My weekend was so crazy. Friday has so many layers, just in concern to all of the people I ran into. My girl Jbean and I got to rock out finally after so long. Too bad we didnt have more time. But she had a guest and had to get home, and I was getting tired. I only planned on meeting Cheezit for a little bit (he told me that fucking bullshit bird probably attacked because it thought my hair looked like a squirrel. Step up from a rat, I guess!). But it happens. Saw all these people from the past, Milwaukee characters, BV ladies, people from UWM who I just dont think like me very much. Maybe because I screamed so much in class. It makes me sort of sad, but I dont see what I can do about it.

Saturday I was so whiskey hungover but I helped transport three wonderful cats from a bombed out bomb shelter apartment in the ghetto down to the southside pretty quickly after I awoke. That neighborhood irritates me, the ghetto one. There a bunch of nice houses in it, and I could tell a lot of the people are just average people, yet my friends were greeted with a drug raid and cops in riot gear. Not too sad that I missed that.

I went to Riversplash that night and it was awful. I dont know why I think I can stomach events like that. The music is just so bad. And the Midwestern yahoos and their apparel choices. Im a judgmental bitch, I know, but what an eyesore the crowd was, in most part. These women in their unflattering tight skirts and high heels. Why dress up when you are walking on beer sticky hot concrete all day? So dumb. Men with mullets. Muscle guys. Yuck! Greasy hair. Ew! And that patented late afternoon beer buzz dance waltz those people do. Their hand extended, Miller or Miller Lite spilling out over the rim of the plastic cup as they sway to a Kinks cover. So, so hard to watch. It was kind of cool to see the one lone roller derby girl getting in some practice, though. My friends friend was nice, at least, another teacher with good politics. I just cant go to something like hungover and hungry again.

Okay so I am calm about Penis B right now, but that probably wont last long. I think I will just try to focus on my curriculum and course construction class and beginning to prep for teaching this week. I still havent ordered books for my three classes at the one school. No teaching during summer numbs my brain. ITS THE ALCOHOL! Why cant I grow the fuck UP?

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Friday, June 02, 2006


fuck that bird!!! for real!

yesterday the same kind of bird scraped my scalp with its nasty lice-ridden bird claws again. could it be the same bird? fuck that fucking bird for real, molly! it flew off and perched above me so i threw some sticks at it, not my ipod, because i guess i dont want to break my ipod. so today im gonna go bike to big bay and take my walk there. i will totally freak if a bird fucks with me three days in a row, especially since it's 6-6-6 day next tues. i am not about to star in omen part 7 remade version fucking birds fucking with me!

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Thursday, June 01, 2006


fuck you bird

yesterday i was walking by the lake and this red winged blackbird flew over my head and sunk its bird claws into my hair. then everytime i went back up it flew over my head, too close, again and i had to run! i am NOT one to run from birds and rodents; i generally like them a lot, especially birds. maybe it was the lavendar lotion? in any case, that bird better not fuck with me today because im sick and ill knock it out with my ipod.